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Mile Marker # 12

RATED R *Due to the subject matter and forbidden topics some people are not comfortable talking about, this blog is Rated R*

What happens on Alligator Alley/Stays on Alligator Alley

Forget about Vegas, Alligator Alley is where it's at! Up to this point, my mission was to provide informative blogs on truck driving. From all of the feedback (comments and E-mails) it seems as if the World is enjoying my writing thus far. Besides all of my general information, there are some people who would like me to elaborate more, and include some stories. As you wish... So, I've decided to do both. My subtitle says "A down-to-earth approach and a good read". I guess this blog would fit under the "good read" category. Due to the subject matter, I attached a Rated R rating onto this blog. Feel free to leave at anytime. I promise I will get back to helpful trucking topics in the next blog.

For those of you still with us, and have never heard of Alligator Alley, it is a stretch of highway located in South Florida. Alligator Alley runs East and West from Naples to Fort Lauderdale. This highway is also known as Highway 84 / 75. These two stories I'm about to blog, don't necessarily correlate with each other. They both just happen to take place on Alligator Alley. For your convenience, I've combined the two.


Scenario # 1


* This story actually relates to a section from Mile Marker #6 " The Perks" blog. I am still going to use the synonym "multitasking" for a substitute in our first featured topic.

It was a another beautiful sunny day in the "Bikini State", making what I thought, another normal trip across Alligator Alley. The traffic was somewhat light on this particular day. While I was driving, I saw a maroon Buick coming up behind me in my side mirror. At the time, I had my cruise set and enjoying the ride. I figured this car was just going to pass me and be on their way. Instead of making the complete pass, the car slows down to my speed and decides to stay right at my driver's side door. So, I look down, and it was a fully clothed woman driving alone. There is no one a head of me, or behind me for that matter, so why would she drive at the same speed as me and right beside me? About a minute goes by, and I looked down again and noticed a fully naked women driving alone! It caught me off guard, it was that fast. (I left a lot of the minor details out in Mile Marker #6) For some ungodly reason, she chose me out of all of the other trucks to do her "multitasking". This women was old! Keep in mind, that I was only 28 years old at the time, and I've never witnessed this aged animal before! I did hook up with a 40 year old once. I don't want to brag, but this is my blog. This situation was different! If you can imagine her tan shorts down around her ankles with just white knee high stockings on, you'll know what I'm talking about. Are you feeling my pain? I was finding out first hand what gravity does to a person, that probably had a beautiful body at one time. She glanced up at me momentarily. By looking at her face, breasts and age spots, I probably would have guessed her to be about 65 to 75 years old. There's the old saying, "you are only as old as you feel". I came to the conclusion that she was feeling pretty youthful at the time! My body was a mess! As young as I was at the time, I just wasn't wired to deal with something of this magnitude. I didn't know whether to get turned on, or to regurgitate! A good 5 minutes has passed and she is still multitasking. What have I done to deserve this? Well, in the meantime, another car approaches from behind and she moves in front of me to get out of the way. At this point, I'm thinking that this nightmare is over. Nope! She goes back in the hammer lane and slows back down to my speed. She was bound and determined to finish what she started, and she was going to make sure I got to watch her finish. I had a great idea what to do with that Publix grocery bag in the passenger side seat of hers, but her hands were pretty much occupied for any kind of sign language communications. I had no other choice, but to watch her finish multitasking. It was like Mt. St. Helen erupting back in 900 B.C.! When all said and done, I felt like I had been used. I hate when that happens! I still remember her vanity license plates to this day. I will not reveal them, due to her immediate family, her children, her grand-children, and her great-grand-children involved in this matter.

Scenario #2

A few weeks later, I was once again routed across Alligator Alley. After that recent life changing trip across Alligator Alley, the last thing I wanted to do was run into that unforgettable senior that enjoyed herself on my behalf! So, on my way to Fort Lauderdale, eagerly searching for that maroon Buick, I had to make an unexpected drop. This was the kind of drop that drivers didn't get paid for........YEP.......a #2!.... and RIGHT NOW! It never fails, it always happens in the middle of nowhere. Once again, I was forced to exercise everything I had learned from watching those survivor shows on the Discovery Channel. I stopped abruptly on the side of the shoulder to take 30 seconds to figure out my limited options. I looked around at my surroundings only to figure out that my options were next to none. At this point, every second counted! Quickly, my eyes scanned the area, and all I could see was swamp and a wide range of alligators sunning themselves on the bank, in the hot, radiant Florida heat! Nestling myself out of sight in the swamp's foliage was NOT an option. I needed all of what little ass I had! I didn't want to become one of those emergency room "your not gonna believe this one" stories.
I never seem to amaze myself. Being the quick thinker that I am, with a newspaper in hand, I was like a King walking 48 feet back to his throne. I opened my trailer doors and glanced at the 10 feet of open floor space, searching like a dog looking for that perfect spot. With no time to waste, I closed the doors as far as I could, leaving a little crack for that Florida sunshine to come in. Somehow, I knew I had to use my origami skills and come up with some kind of make-shift newspaper toilet. I am not a person that litters, butt ........ ironically, I threw my belongings by a sign that read "Do Not Feed The Alligators". I was about 10 seconds from plan C. That plan ends with a trip to the next Walmart in a pair of origami shorts.

I won't be the first one to tell you, truck driving is not just a job, it's an adventure!